Geoff's Gems

Message Board

There's this governor called Geoff who sits and sits around. It's not a rare quality, this sitting around but it can be very productive at times. In Geoff's case its productivity takes the form of gems. Not the precious stone, smash-and-grab, look-quite-pretty-on-a-necklace kind of gems. No sir. I'm referring to quotations. Strings of words making up little sentences with the power to delight, dazzle and destroy. So welcome to Geoff's little mining community. You will be searched before leaving!!

On warfare
"The perfect job during a war is inspecting troops for stubble."

On anatomy
"Not even if he popped your eyes out?"

On Christianity
"Jesus had a beard."

On fashion
"He must have blown his nose and missed."

On entertainment
"It's a scientific fact that if you can't curl your tongue, you can't whistle."

On geometry
"You have to make sure it's a straight ruler."

On flattery
"I'm not trying to butter you up. I'm trying to marge you."

On sociology
"Eskimos never go to bed with hot water bottles."

On staff recruitment
"To be an HR manager, you have to possess a goatee beard."

On the English language
"We just nick words - like bungalow and duck à l'orange."

On transport
"I've seen a picture of a ferry - it looks like a boat."

On amphibian diet
"Kermit the Frog must chew lipstick because when he opens his mouth, it's all red."

On geography
"I'm good at giving directions. You just wouldn't get to where you want to go."

On temptation
"Not for all the grapefruit in China!"